If you are yet to experience “church hurt”, you may be unfamiliar with the term. What then is Church hurt? Church hurt is when someone is mentally or physically in pain and distress caused by leaders and members of a church. Although the church should be a safe haven, church hurt is becoming more common than we think. This has resulted in many christians being angry, bitter, confused, and disappointed at the church and sometimes at God. It is one of the foremost reasons people have ceased attending a local church.
Lately, I have been coming across horrifying stories from many christians who have experienced hurt in the church because of misbehaving members who gossip, slander or isolate others, abuse of power by the leadership or pastors, mismanagement of funds, psychological manipulation, insensitivity, oppressive policies, immorality, rigid expectations, negative teachings, just to name a few. It is therefore imperative that we address these issues within the church.
For anyone experiencing church hurt, these are 4 Steps to Dealing With Church Hurt:
1. Acceptance
There are two things we need to accept as a church:
- Church hurt is real, and
- The church is imperfect; church is a place for broken people and broken people hurt people.
Denying the existence of church hurt has led to more harm than good. If you have been hurt in the church, your feelings are valid even if you were made to feel otherwise or you have never received an apology.
I believe we struggle with accepting the idea that people get hurt in the church because we are trying to save the image of the church or fight for the church. God is very capable of defending his church and presenting his church blameless (Ephesians 5:27).
Leaders in the church need to start dealing with issues rather than enabling them. Forget the image of the church and fix the issue at the root. Let me explain further, as a leader, abhor anything that causes gossip within the church. Do not foster an environment where gossip or sin thrives. If such issues arise as expected, resolve the issue rather than covering it up.
2. Speak Up
Many churches have used scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 6:1-6 to suppress believers from speaking up.
Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unjust, and not before the saints? Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters? Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life? If then ye have judgments of things pertaining to this life, set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church. I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren? But brother goeth to law with brother, and that before the unbelievers. Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded? (1 Corinthians 6:1-7)
In context, this scripture was addressing trivial issues that can easily be resolved within the church i.e the smallest matters. Although civil issues can be resolved within the church, Paul in Romans 13:1, also admonishes us to be subject to governing authorities which have been established by God which includes law courts. As such, 1 Corinthians 6:1-7 was referring to civil lawsuits and not criminal lawsuit.
If you have been hurt in the church, speak up! There is a culture of silence in the church and speaking up on such issues is considered a taboo. People have been excommunicated from the church from speaking up on issues within the church which can be a devastating experience. For example, Martin Luther was excommunicated by the Pope due to his refusal to renounce his beliefs.
Why is it important that you speak up? It is important to speak up as it helps prevent it from happening to others and for accountability. Evil thrives in silence. I believe that the church should have a system for addressing and resolving issues within the church. Unfortunately, this is often not the case.
As such, contrary to popular opinion, if an issue is not resolved within the church, I believe it is okay to bring it to a criminal court. Of course I understand that not all issues must be addressed outside of the church. However, issues such as mismanagement of funds, rape, physical assault should not be hidden. The goal for speaking up should not be to slander but rather to bring to light. Speaking up can bring a persons offense/sin against others to light and led to a change of behavior.
Paul was a proponent of believers exposing sin and wrong doings among believers (Ephesians 5:9-19). Other scriptures such as Exodus 20:26, Proverbs 26:26, Lamentations 2:14, and Ezekiel 28:17 also emphasizes the need to expose sin. In John 3:20, Jesus taught that, “For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.” This is because to overcome sin, it needs to be brought to the light as evil thrives in darkness.
Additionally, as members of the church, it is also our responsibility to speak up when we know that another member is being victimized.
3. Get Help
If you have been hurt deeply it is okay to seek help from a qualified therapist. There are Christian therapists who are skilled in providing counseling to people who have been traumatized by the church.
Church hurt can cut deep. So, give yourself time to heal. Talk about what happened to people who are trustworthy and be open to receive good counsel.
For cult-like churches, you would need the support of family and friends to effectively detach. Seek counsel on how to address existing offenses, trust God to help you let go, and reconcile if applicable. Most of all, you would need to enlist the help of the HolySpirit.
4. Find a New Local Assembly
We have been led to believe that leaving the church where you have been hurt is rebellion. However, if you are led by the Holy Spirit to leave the church and find a new church, please do. Sometimes we may be led by the spirit to remain where we have been planted and continue to be examples.
Church hurt can lead to a decision of deciding to leave the church completely but as difficult as it may seem, we have been instructed in Hebrews 10: 25 to, “not forsake the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”
5. Forgive
Prioritize getting to a place of forgiveness and letting go so that you can fully heal. Understand that you need God’s help to heal and forgive. Here are some tips to help you forgive:
- Pray: pray for people who hurt you. Jesus was great example of praying for those who hurt us. In Luke 23:34, Jesus prayed for God to forgive his enemies for they know not what they are doing.
- Study God’s word: God’s word brings healing and teaches us what to do when we are faced with offenses.
- Listen to sermons: When hurting we may be unable to personally pray or read the Bible but we must not stop feeding on God’s word through whatever means possible. We can also learn from listening to messages on forgiveness how to forgive those who have hurt us.
Please realize that forgiveness does not mean not holding people accountable for their behavior.
God Cares About Your Wellbeing and Wants You to Heal
Your feelings are valid but resist the urge to retaliate and let God fight your battles. In Psalms 147:3, we are reminded that God heals the broken hearted. Trust God to heal your pain.
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