The Monster Under The Bed

She should scare me, she really should. But she’s been there so long that all I wanna do is get her out! I never let anyone look though; after all, she’s my monster! My monster… That’s probably the reason she hasn’t left yet. I think she’s afraid of the Light because every time it comes, she leaves a little; I feel an essence of her slip away. I think most of her is gone because the Light has been shining for so long now.

But tonight; tonight someone else looked under the bed. He saw her tonight and I got scared. I got scared because I wanted her to be gone completely before anyone ever looked under the bed. I wanted to be rid of her, that’s why I never let people get too close. I put up appearances and smile but she still hurts those unfortunate ones that remain with me in the complete darkness. Guess they never knew what was lurking in the shadows.

I guess that’s why he looked. That’s what friends are supposed to do right? Look into those corners of your life that you’d rather keep hidden. He got burned a little by her though and the words that came through were “liar, thief, deceiver”! I must have cried my eyes out that day. I never meant for her to hurt him but what you don’t get rid of, will eventually get you. His words hurt me too. Because the same mouth that said those things promised me that if I ever fell into shit that he would come into that shit, pick me up and clean me up.

He actually met her when she was almost fully swept away. The Light had almost erased her completely. But still, he met her. He also happened to know the people she had hurt in the cover of the dark and so he said those words. And as he said those words, he broke his promise. Now I’m scared that everyone has seen her too. I’m scared that they now think she’s all there is to me, and they will break their promise too. But I will NEVER shut out the Light that will completely erase her existence even if the scars may never go.

I don’t call her “My Monster” anymore because I have learned she was never mine. She was just formed as a result of the bad decisions I made. With every bad choice, I made she grew. But they still criticize me. Perhaps they have forgotten that he that stands does not stand by His strength. If not for the Lord that kept him, he would have fallen. He would have fallen. I have found the Lord. I have found the Light. But she was already there before he came. And as I journey further in Christ, she leaves. She didn’t come in one day. She is a mindset I grew as a result of my environment and the influences I had. You were lucky. You knew Christ early. You got a “mind proof” early. You grew in a home where you could express yourself. You had friends. I did not. Not until you looked. But what came out? “Liar, thief, deceiver”!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have said those things. I actually understand that you were hurt. But what would Christ do? He didn’t call me all these things when He saw her. He called me beloved; City on a Holy nation. He called me daughter. He called me friend. He called me to love. He said what can separate me from His love? Nothing! So am I hurt by you? Certainly! Will it stop me from loving you? NO.

I just wish you understood. But you don’t and probably never will. Will I hold a grudge? No! I just hope this battle only leaves me scars and not alone and empty with ALL friends gone. I have wrestled with her; with the darkness in my mind. Now the Light is here and she’s gradually leaving, by God, she’s almost gone. But I hope I will still have you after she’s gone…

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