How To Spot Unhealthy Friends

Over the past few months, I have come to realize that it is okay for some friendships or relationships to end peacefully. I am not a supporter of the cancel culture. However, I believe it is perfectly okay to OUTGROW and let go of friendships that have become “unhealthy”.

I am very grateful to have been blessed with great friends in my life, but I have had a couple of negative experiences – haven’t we all? In the past, I have chosen people over myself. As an empath, I struggle with the concept of loving people from a safe distance and letting go of friendships or relationships that are sometimes detrimental to my well-being.

So, who is an unhealthy friend? My definition of an unhealthy friend is someone who has “pest-like” tendencies. I know that seems quite harsh, but pests are insects that feed off on crops, food, and livestock in the ecosystem. In a similar manner, many of us have parasitic friends who only feed off us with nothing valuable to offer. While I do not think that friendships should be about what people have to offer, it is rather burdensome to have a friend who only wants to take and sometimes at your expense. Friends should enrich us and leave us better than they met us.

Unhealthy friendships can be emotionally and mentally draining. Therefore, it is imperative that we learn to spot unhealthy friendships. Here are a few ways to spot an unhealthy friend:

1. There is competition: Having a friend who believes that they are in a competition with you can put a strain on your relationship. Friends should be supportive but rather than being supportive they would spend time trying to outdo you. I believe friendships should challenge us to be better, it should not be an opportunity to outshine the other person. We can all shine especially when we support each other. As a personal principle, “I believe I am only in competition with myself”. As such, I challenge myself to be better than I was yesterday.
2. Conversations about how you feel always leads to a fight: You should feel safe to discuss your concerns with a friend. If you have effectively communicated your feelings to your friend and it is never addressed or acknowledged, then it is time to walk away.
3. It is one-sided: If you have a friend that always wants to receive and never gives in return, that is an unhealthy friendship.  Your friends cannot always be there for you. As such, it is okay to give friends allowances but if repeatedly you are the only one always helping, then it is time to reevaluate your friendship.
4. You keep defending them to everyone: If everyone particularly your other friends and family have told you that your friend appears not to have your best interest at heart or you find yourself constantly making excuses for how they treat you. It is time to reevaluate that friendship.
5. They constantly give you bad advice: You should certainly surround yourself with friends who have your best interest at heart. Friends that you can trust that their advice is from a great place and not out of jealousy or in a bid to sabotage you.

It can be difficult ending relationships whether it is platonic or romantic – everybody likes beginnings and not endings. Nevertheless, for your sanity, it is important to evaluate your friendships and determine whether it is time to close that chapter of your life. Take a cue from Frozen and “Let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door”. Okay, do not slam the door – just walk away.

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Letting go before things turn sour gives you an opportunity in the future to rekindle the friendship when they are in a better place. It is important to end the friendship gracefully after communicating the reason why you have decided to let go.

On a final note, the beauty about evaluating our friendships is that in some cases, we may get to the realization that we were the toxic ones in that friendship and that we have some work to do on ourselves.