Man vs Woman: Who does the finding/asking?
I stumbled on a congratulatory message to a lady – “Thank God you found him”. It just got me thinking; who finds? The lady or the man? Taking it a notch higher, is it okay for a lady to approach a man she likes?
What is my opinion as regards this? I will begin with the last question – is it okay for a lady to approach a man? Well, No with a but. I don’t think it’s okay for a lady to approach a man but I think it is okay for her to drop hints that she likes him. In as much as this would not have been my stand a few years ago, I have come to understand that there are men (sometimes shy) who won’t take a move except they are certain you at least like them but I do not support a lady proposing or kick starting a relationship. That being said, let me also add that men naturally have the chasing instinct, more like the ‘point and kill’ instinct. A man loves to chase and a lady loves to be wooed/chased. It is that simple. Howbeit, certain cultures permit their ladies to propose: In India, ladies pay dowry, they might as well propose. I am not certain that they get to propose but they pay their dowry. In Finland, the lady is allowed to propose in a leap year.
For the first question: Who does the finding? First I believe scriptures is quite clear in Prob 18:22 when it says “He who finds a wife…”, not “She who finds a husband…”. Okay, I know you ‘feel’ time isn’t on your side and you just have to finddd a husband. Your Pastor has even asked you if you have found the man of your dreams. I agree that people don’t necessarily mean find in the context of you searching or eyeing all the brothers in the church and asking day-in-day-out “Lord, is Tony the one for me”. They may mean have you ‘found’ him in the context of have you ‘met’ him. Seriously, family and friends, help us, this question “have you found him” often times triggers the let me search for him button in our heads. Maybe next time you could ask if he has found us. And if he hasn’t, that traffic must be pretty serious.
That is why I started with the question of asking, if the lady finds, she might as well ask. If she was found, then the man should do the asking. That is not to say that there aren’t couples who are happily married and yet the asking was initiated by the wife or they both found themselves.
In place of finding, a lady should be positioning. Can I get an Amen? Okay! Not only should she be positioning, I believe she should be marriage ready. After all, scripture says ‘he who finds a wife’ not a babe or a girl. If you want him to find, then be a wife material. Being a lady doesn’t automatically make you a wife. Okay, I will leave that part to a relationship counselor.
Positioning is being at the right places and doing the right thing at the right time – that, of course, involves God. You have been praying for manner from heaven a husband and you stay in your house all day, you don’t interact with people, all in the name of being an introvert – I get all that, however, is he supposed to find you in your room? In the process of waiting to be found, while you are doing all the positioning, remember to groom yourself. If he finds you and he doesn’t like what he sees he is going to un-find (ctrl + z) and of course if you don’t like what you see then you can say brother continue your search you haven’t found the one yet. Continue, she is in front.
Read livegiva’s Traits to look for in a spouse
So what is your opinion? Who should do the finding/asking? The woman or the Man?
What's Your Reaction?
In this age of unnecessary rules and regulations, adoption of cultural standards as life standards, living in boxes of our inferior (#I wanna type “inherited” but that popped up, and I kinda left it) traditions, MY OPINION IS THAT… there’s nothing you can’t achieve with creativity… So far the foundation is in place, mutual love and respect (+ additives). Who did what would be irrelevant when the bliss is present.
Hmmm, great addition! Love and respect very key! Since you have brought up respect, I think that is one of the major restricting factor as regards a lady asking a man out. Technically, a lady is assumed not to have self respect when she does such. If the man still holds her in high regards, then maybe it is permissive. Thanks Niyi.
1. Its not a general principle that men love to chase, in fact I’m yet to find a man who is chasing and not doing so out of lust. A man can’t know God so well and be happy to chase. Its not God’s way. Sometimes libidic desperation
2. I love the idea of pisitioning. Eve was brought to Adam’s territory Rebecca was brought to isaac’s territory, Ruth came to Boaz territory, Rebecca in Abraham’s territory, the biblical list is numerous. The instances where we saw Bible characters chasing there was a set back, history proves though God allowed it, he didn’t favor it. Messaih came from Leah’s seed not Rebecca’s whom Jacob chased. David never recovered from his chasing of Micah, God promised him though he haa been forgiven his throne would be trouble full.
3. If any sex should be prudent, tactical in this whole locating spouse matter it should be the woman because they are limited in the sense that they cannot propose and they don’t have the time like men do.
4 I therefore advice the (women) wanting to marry to ask God to lead them to the territory and life of their husbands and be very intentional about the hints. Most times just getting involved in his vision is the killer as long as she is sure she is what the man is looking for.
My humble contrubution
I totally understand what you mean Sir. However, Chase in this context means finding and asking her to marry you. Which I believe is a normal process. I don’t believe a man should follow his lustful desire and chasing in this context just means finding the lady as God leads you and making your intentions known to her and persisting if need be especially if it is God’s will.
If a man has to go after or persist, its not God’s will. That its normal doesn’t make it right, no scriptural basis. Its the worlds way. Lust isn’t necessarily sexual, you lust when you chase, mind and persist on the earthly things you desire. You can want and chase an earthly thing so bad for a noble reason, its still lust. Rom 8:5. God wants to gift us all these things including spouses without chasing them. Guilty myself but it doesn’t make it right. Thank God for mercy.
I am sorry Sir but I do not agree and I don’t think that what Rom 8:5 “For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.” meant was in that context.
That scripture can’t just be removed from the preceding verses of what Paul was addressing in the beginning especially in previous chapter. Are you implying marriage is a thing of the flesh or lustful because it involves going after and persisting as the case maybe.
What is detrimental is placing affections and the things that God blesses us with above him. Since God wants to gift us with all things why do we still work? Why do we not just wait for money to come? God said the ground should yield, why do we still plant? God designs our story as it pleases him and he is the deciding factor as to how we should approach a lady. We just have to follow his leading. In the bible as regards marriage he has orchestrated it as he deems fit in different cases.
In Hosea’s case he deemed fit that he goes to a prostitute to marry and kept chasing after her. Like I said chase in this context means finding and asking and if it includes waiting you wait.
For correction
Libidic despiration makes us do so.
Sarah in Abraham’s territory
Its well o, im loving this discussion. I don’t know how many times i’ve wished for what Rev is saying, and yet every time, i realize its being a little selfish. Meeting by chance may or may not happen but my Reverend, i really don’t think its such a bad idea to make a move towards the person God has shown you. Its a totally different thing when you are the one initiating the idea and going after your aim (for your own reasons)… that is the idea of being carnal sir. But if we take the step in faith, i think that is the ideal and we are safe …Rom 14:23(reverse the scripture). Remember the case of finding a wife for Isaac, though Isaac was not directly engaged in the search, however that faith move was necessary to secure the bride. Except we have such servants to do the work, i would suggest that every man desiring a wife should do exactly what Abraham’s servant did. Pray, find, and approach(which may be what Mercy termed as pursue).
This debate is more of a cultural issue in my opinion. The way men or women find their spouses are a function of the gender roles which have been ingrained in our minds over several years, but there are not static rules. Like the writer said, there are different ways courtship is initiated and who knows if our grandchildren will find their spouses the way our parents found theirs. Afterall, matchmaking used to be popular decades ago and is still popular in many cultures. Some people use middle men, other churches have marriage committees. Today, it may not be commonplace for a woman to propose, but it is not taboo either. On the other hand, if God is leading a man, what on earth is he waiting for?
As christians, the leading is always important. How or when that leading comes is a whole different discussion.